The funny pages

Subject: Re: The funny pages Fri Aug 14, 2009 4:15 am

Subject: Re: The funny pages Fri Aug 14, 2009 4:22 am

^^Haha awww. Now I wish I had a fox. I love my dogs, but I think it would be cool to have a fox to play with.

Subject: Re: The funny pages Sun Aug 16, 2009 3:21 pm

A married couple was
in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.""

Guest

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

Guest

Australia gets drunk and wakes up in North Atlantic

Subject: Re: The funny pages Sat Aug 22, 2009 11:01 pm

When Cats Pray

Subject: Re: The funny pages Sun Aug 23, 2009 8:49 pm

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure."

He makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win.

Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

Subject: Re: The funny pages Sun Aug 23, 2009 10:41 pm

^^*insert witty pedophilia remark here*

Subject: Re: The funny pages Mon Aug 24, 2009 5:56 pm

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".

Subject: Re: The funny pages Sun Aug 30, 2009 4:40 pm

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Billy. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Billy says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Billy replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

Subject: Re: The funny pages Tue Sep 01, 2009 12:25 am

I would have said, "the one biting the top."

Subject: Re: The funny pages Wed Sep 02, 2009 9:57 pm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnNjVMGqe70

Subject: Re: The funny pages Mon Sep 07, 2009 7:03 pm

Dramatic Cat

Subject: Re: The funny pages Wed Sep 09, 2009 4:03 am

This is long, but wicked worthy. Interested parties out on the internet have compiled a list of facts about Neil Gaiman.

1.Neil Gaiman once wrote a Nebula-winning story using only the middle row of his keyboard.
2.Harper Collins has taken out a 2.5 million dollar insurance policy onNeil Gaiman’saccent.
3.If you write 1000 words and Neil Gaiman writes 1000 words, Neil Gaiman has written more than you.
4.Neil Gaiman does not use Microsoft’s grammar-check. Microsoft uses a Gaiman-check.
5.Neil Gaiman once did the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen. In fifteen minutes. He wontwo Hugo awardsfor it.
6.Neil Gaiman is who the Ghostbusters call.
7.Most agents charge a 15% commission. Neil Gaiman’s agent pays him an
extra 15%for the privilege of saying “I’m Neil Gaiman’s agent.”
8.William Shakespeare once came back from the dead to ask for Neil Gaiman’s autograph.
9.Neil Gaiman is the reason nobody teaches “I before E except after C” anymore.
10.Some writers take inspiration from the muse. The muse takes inspiration from Neil Gaiman.
11.Neil Gaiman once groped Harlan Ellison.
12.The pen is mightier than the sword;Neil Gaiman has mastered fourteen different styles of penmanship.
13.Rumor has it that a NY editor rejected Neil Gaiman’s first book.
This can not be confirmed, as the editor in question was never heard
from again.
14.Neil Gaiman can tweet 175 characters.
15.Neil Gaiman’s personal library includes an autographed copy of the Necronomicon.
16.Hitler actually won World War II. Then Neil Gaiman wrote an
alternate-history story in which the allies won, and reality was too
intimidated to argue the point.
17.Some authors write in omniscient point of view. Neil Gaiman lives it.
18.Neil Gaiman’s next novel is expected to win the Nebula, the Hugo, and the Heisman Trophy.
19.In any given week, 7 of the top 10 books on the NYT Bestseller List are by pseudonyms of Neil Gaiman.
20. Neil Gaiman has never written a deus ex machina ending. However, God once wrote a Gaiman ex machina ending.