What to do...

Not quite sure where to start. I figured this message board would be the best place to come for a second opinion on all this. And I wanted to type all this up so I can get it out of my head.

I guess I should start off by saying I'm bisexual and though I've known that for a while, its only recently that I've started talking to people about it. (I guess it took me that long to be sure of my own feelings.) The only people who really know that are six of my friends.

Anyway, the whole self-realization only came about when I started to realize that I had a crush on a female friend. One of my closest friends.
And she was the first girl that I ever consciously knew I had feelings for. I guess that's because I usually go for very androgynous guys, that are kind of masculine yet feminine, and she embodies these traits in the opposite.

The issues are that she's straight, and she has a boyfriend. A boyfriend whom I very much dislike. (Though part of that dislike is probably because of jealousy.)

Though, I'm not completely sure that she is straight. I guess in my mind I want to believe that since I didn't come to fully realize my own sexual preferences until later on, maybe its the same for other people. Is this simply wishful thinking on my part?

I also find myself wanting to buy into that stereotype that if a girl is somewhat masculine and tomboyish they must be a lesbian or bisexual. Probably also wishful thinking.

The other issue is that she's a minor and I'm not. Though we're only two years apart, I still (jokingly) get referred to as a pedophile or cradle robber by my friends. (And there's that fact that if we were in a relationship and it got more serious I could be arrested. >_<)
She doesn't look her age, she's much taller than me, and I didn't find out her age until a while after I met her. (Sounds like I'm making up excuses here doesn't it...)

And as much as I tell myself my whole little list of reasons for why it wouldn't work: she's straight, she's still in highschool, you're going to college, you'll both be different people in a few years, etc etc.
I still can't give up that small bit of hope that I cling to, that somehow some way it could work out.

Should I just try to forget about it all?

I also wonder if I should, later on tell her about all this. I want to, but at the same time I don't want to scare her off. We're good friends, I usually tell her everything, but this is my one secret.

And also, its kind of painful to be so close and yet still so far away. We used to sit side by side on the bus, and I'd be leaning on her shoulder, and we'd both be listening to my mp3 player. I find that when I hug her I don't want to let go. I want to be closer, but I know I can't because it would freak her out.
It seems like everyone that I like has this wall of glass around them that I can never break through. I'm 18 and I've never dated. I kind of feel like I'm missing out. I also sometimes get this ridiculous idea in my head that there's no one out there for me and that I'll never find anyone. Even though I know its a silly idea, its still there in the back of my mind. (Though its probably because I'm incredibly shy.)

Like I was talking to a relative a while ago, who was talking about her 12 year old daughter saying "Kill me now, she's being asked on dates already." and I said "Haha, she'll probably go on her first date before I do."

(I do apologize for getting all goth and melodramatic...I'm probably lucky this is the worst I have complain about.)

I tried to keep this whole topic, on one topic, but I felt I had to branch off and discuss a few related things. I'm more looking to just discuss these things than to get advice on them, though advice is appreciated.

I'm speaking with a flawed memory here, so some of my information may be wrong. Just a warning.

First off, is there a possibility that she's gay/bi? absolutely. More than likely bi. (if I remember correctly) most humans, male or female, have some tendencies towards the same sex. As to what extent and if they repress it is another thing.

Should you "go after her"? well, since she is in a relationship at the moment, I'd say no. I'm always for helping people stay together rather than trying to separate them though. Though while they are still together, you could do a bit of investigating and see if she is bi. Not really the come-out-and-say-it, but the small little comments here and there that can help you reach an idea that might be in the ball park.

Is she one of your friends that knows of your bi-sexuality? And if so, what comments did she make when you told her? These comments would be the real kickers in being able to tell or not.

Other than that, relax. It will all work out. With her or with someone else i don't know, but it will work out. You might also try finding others with like orientations and such and do a bit of casual dating. Nothing you'd ever stay in, but it does give you some dating experience and shows you what you want and don't really want in a relationship. Sadly some of these things you can't really know without being in a relationship.

Lolita Rose wrote:

(I do apologize for getting all goth and melodramatic...I'm probably lucky this is the worst I have complain about.)

As a goth saying that on a gothic forum, would that be ironic or sardonic

I don't really know what to say, it seems to me that weather or not you do tell her you'd have to wait 2 years in order to actually go anywhere with it so its probably best to wait that 2 years and see what happenes. A lot could happen in that 2 years, maybe you find out she's not all that straight after all, or you find out she is that straight, you might be friends or might not be. Maybe even in 2 years things move to where she comes to you about the same thing your posting here and wanting to know why nothing happened really though it does sound like even if she does like you in the same way today, this exact minute, that you'd have to go 2 years before getting serious...

endless dark wrote:

Lolita Rose wrote:

(I do apologize for getting all goth and melodramatic...I'm probably lucky this is the worst I have complain about.)

As a goth saying that on a gothic forum, would that be ironic or sardonic

I don't really know what to say, it seems to me that weather or not you do tell her you'd have to wait 2 years in order to actually go anywhere with it so its probably best to wait that 2 years and see what happenes. A lot could happen in that 2 years, maybe you find out she's not all that straight after all, or you find out she is that straight, you might be friends or might not be. Maybe even in 2 years things move to where she comes to you about the same thing your posting here and wanting to know why nothing happened really though it does sound like even if she does like you in the same way today, this exact minute, that you'd have to go 2 years before getting serious...

Hmm, I said it to be humorous so maybe a little of both?
True true...I guess I'm just going to have to wait and see what happens...


Nsanelilmunky, I have been looking for those signs that she may be bi, and I'm still not quite sure.

And no, she's not one of the friends who knows of my bisexuality.
A lot of my friends and I have this thing where we jokingly hit on each other. And she seemed to be a little bit freaked out by me making such comments. Well, sometimes she is, and sometimes she just goes along with the joke. I get this feeling that she is bi, but the bi part is very repressed. Especially since she seems to like the same extremely androgynous guys that I do.

Maybe I will do some casual dating in college. But then...I know absolutely nothing about the subject. I really don't know how to approach people. Probably the reason why I've never dated is I'm one of those extremely shy people where if they don't approach me first I probably won't say anything to them.

Hi Lolita Rose,

I'd say keep your options open for now. I know you care about her, but give yourself the chance to experience college life for a while before making a decision about her. You'll meet a lot of interesting people and have the chance to learn from them while you spend time with them. And you'll find yourself growing as a person -- not changing per se, but it'll be a sort of personal evolution. I know you're secure as a person -- and that's great, you're a step ahead already! -- but this experience will help you know yourself even better. Give it time, see what happens, and don't worry about putting limits on yourself right now.

Also, not sure if this helps, but: I've been in her position. The girl interested in me was kind of pushy, and while I know you're not like that, I can definitely say that's a turn-off regardless of gender.

As to whether she might be bi: It's possible. I kind of think there's a spectrum of preferences. (So did Alfred Kinsey.) There are so many different factors that comprise love and desire, after all.

Lolita Rose wrote:

Maybe I will do some casual dating in college. But then...I know absolutely nothing about the subject. I really don't know how to approach people. Probably the reason why I've never dated is I'm one of those extremely shy people where if they don't approach me first I probably won't say anything to them.

Yeah. I know that feeling. I never had a boyfriend until I was 20 and even that was by accident.

In college, hang out with large (or larger) group of people, even if you don't know them as well as you would a normal friend. Make small little comments on how you wish someone would take you out to do this or that since you feel that you can't go alone. Strangely, guys will start asking you out.... sometimes.

Red Angel is right. You can keep your options open and experience college life.
Also another thing I thought...perhaps you might want to tell her you are bi and see her reaction to it. If it makes her uncomfortable and such....just a thought

^^ Moon has got a good point. Coming out to her doesn't necessarily indicate you're interested in her, and you can gauge her reaction. She is a good friend first and foremost, anyway.

Oh, I meant to mention before: don't let it stress you that you haven't yet dated. There are no rules. Ideally, you spend time with someone who you really like and get along with, you show them you care, and hopefully s/he shows you the same. Be honest with them, and true to who you are. And never feel ashamed of how you feel -- when you love, you give a gift, and the recipient should understand the honor of that. (If that was sappy, I'm sorry!)