Should I contact him?

So let me set up the story (or the sordid saga, however you want to look at it). There is a guy at my work that I had been quasi-interested in but I resisted liking him because I had just come out of a relationship where I had been dumped.

So in August I started a profile on adultfriendfinder. I didn't put my picture on there because I knew I would get a LOT of responses but my username was "VoloptuGoth." He contacted me through that site. I told him he looked familiar and gave him my myspace, which after looking at, he recognized me and we started emailing each other, trying to set up a time tine to get together (we had very different schedules).

A mutual work friend invited both of us to her birthday party. I asked him if he was going, he said since he might have his kids that night, he probably wouldn't make it. Which was fine with me. I get to the party (it's at a club) and he shows up with another chick. Apparently she was also a co-worker who was invited to the party but they were practically all over each other the whole night and I left, angry.

So they started dating, well by this time I had started to like the guy and once I let myself like somebody it's really hard to let go of that. I know I didn't have any claim on him to begin with and from what I've seen he's a good guy and really nice.

Now he is single again. I run into him at work and we kind of smile and nod at each other. I'm wondering what to do now. I am thinking of e-mailing him but I have a huge fear of rejection.

Any advice please?

You can chat him up at the very least.

That pretty much is my life story. I should draw a picture of how I see myself--I'm sitting on a couch beside a man and a woman and the two of them are just chatting it up and ignoring me.

Yeah Ginger that happens to me too.

Funny, off topic story. I had a crush on a guy throughout most of high school. He was friendly toward me but never once looked my way. A couple years after high school I was getting my tarot read, the person had the Celtic Dragon deck. Well one of the cards that came up was of some dragon riders, a man and a woman in the forefront and some other riders in the background. The woman was looking adoringly at the man but the man was looking back at the other riders. I thought this was really symbolic of the crush I had on this guy...sadly it continues to be symbolic!

Back to regularly scheduled programming....

Speaking of "looking back", how did that go at that party? This may help with your deciding what to do. During this party did he see you? Make eye contact with you? Say hello or anything to you?

I'm still thinking if it were me I'd run, not walk, but a lot may dend on the answers to those questions I just asked you. You can tell a lot sometimes when you first make eye to eye contact as to how someone feels about you. Especially when they turn up at a party with someone else. Did you just ask him if he was going and that was really all there was said about it? I'm trying to give him some benifit of doubt here. Could he just thought you were asking if he was going and not put two and you together on this? He may have just thought you were just asking if he was going. Some men are straight to it thinkers and he might have needed for you to say... "Will you go with me as a date to this party?"

Oh and not to leave the gents out of this, I have known a few that also for the most part live their love life up to a ... "So are you going to so and so's party?" And the girl doesn't get the hint. Eh.. it maybe easier in the guarding against rejection department to not come right out and ask straight foward, but it also leaves you not knowing if they actually knew that what you were getting at was them going with you or you were just asking.

How many times have we all seen someone step into a relationship with someone we had our eyes on, simply because that "claim jumper" stepped right in and went for it while we were still feeling out the territory. Maybe you made it more clear than that. I'm only joking about the "claim jumper" stuff there. Makes you feel that way sometimes though huh?

albinasamara wrote:

So let me set up the story (or the sordid saga, however you want to look at it). There is a guy at my work that I had been quasi-interested in but I resisted liking him because I had just come out of a relationship where I had been dumped.

So in August I started a profile on adultfriendfinder. I didn't put my picture on there because I knew I would get a LOT of responses but my username was "VoloptuGoth." He contacted me through that site. I told him he looked familiar and gave him my myspace, which after looking at, he recognized me and we started emailing each other, trying to set up a time tine to get together (we had very different schedules).

A mutual work friend invited both of us to her birthday party. I asked him if he was going, he said since he might have his kids that night, he probably wouldn't make it. Which was fine with me. I get to the party (it's at a club) and he shows up with another chick. Apparently she was also a co-worker who was invited to the party but they were practically all over each other the whole night and I left, angry.

So they started dating, well by this time I had started to like the guy and once I let myself like somebody it's really hard to let go of that. I know I didn't have any claim on him to begin with and from what I've seen he's a good guy and really nice.

Now he is single again. I run into him at work and we kind of smile and nod at each other. I'm wondering what to do now. I am thinking of e-mailing him but I have a huge fear of rejection.

Any advice please?

From a guy's point of view I have friends who treat girls in a similar fashion and personally I do not agree with it.

So my advice is go out and meet a nice guy;this chap reminds me too much of friends I have.

Put yourslf first and never take second best.

cyn, he made eye contact once but that was really all the chance I gave him, I was pretty angry. The party moved to a different club and I left as soon as I felt I had fulfilled my social obligation to the birthday girl :-)

Before this we would smile and nod at each other when seeing each other at work (really no time to talk as one or the other would be on a call) and it's gone back to that again.

I am trying to give him the benefit if the doubt also. It's possible he didn't get it. Maybe I just didn't get my foot in the door in time or I wasn't forward enough.

I had thought I told him I was going whether he did or not but after I checked my emails, it doesn't look like I did. So that changes things too.

If he wasn't someone at work I would contact him but since I see him almost every day it might be a little akward of things don't go like I want them to. Of course I could just ignore him.

I just don't know.

cynfullov wrote:

Speaking of "looking back", how did that go at that party? This may help with your deciding what to do. During this party did he see you? Make eye contact with you? Say hello or anything to you?

I'm still thinking if it were me I'd run, not walk, but a lot may dend on the answers to those questions I just asked you. You can tell a lot sometimes when you first make eye to eye contact as to how someone feels about you. Especially when they turn up at a party with someone else. Did you just ask him if he was going and that was really all there was said about it? I'm trying to give him some benifit of doubt here. Could he just thought you were asking if he was going and not put two and you together on this? He may have just thought you were just asking if he was going. Some men are straight to it thinkers and he might have needed for you to say... "Will you go with me as a date to this party?"

Oh and not to leave the gents out of this, I have known a few that also for the most part live their love life up to a ... "So are you going to so and so's party?" And the girl doesn't get the hint. Eh.. it maybe easier in the guarding against rejection department to not come right out and ask straight foward, but it also leaves you not knowing if they actually knew that what you were getting at was them going with you or you were just asking.

How many times have we all seen someone step into a relationship with someone we had our eyes on, simply because that "claim jumper" stepped right in and went for it while we were still feeling out the territory. Maybe you made it more clear than that. I'm only joking about the "claim jumper" stuff there. Makes you feel that way sometimes though huh?

Ian, thanks for your input. Some others have said this too. At this point I still don't know.

Ian wrote:

From a guy's point of view I have friends who treat girls in a similar fashion and personally I do not agree with it.

So my advice is go out and meet a nice guy;this chap reminds me too much of friends I have.

Put yourslf first and never take second best.

How's things going? I've been thinking of you.

Thanks cyn :-)

Well this is what sucks about work....I've gotten moved to the team he's on. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing but it's hard for me to put someone out of my mind (if that will be what is needed) if they aren't out of sight.

I am really tempted to e-mail him and just ask him to lay it on me so I can stop wondering but there's always a chance I won't like the answer.

Well maybe that is something you should do albinasamara (email) I think the answer if it be good or not so good would put your mind at ease with all the wondering that you are doing.

Well i've been talking to him back and forth at work and through myspace and it's really just lighthearted stuff so far. But I didn't talk to him at all today...I'm not really having a good mental day anyway. I did ask him on Saturday if he was going to the live band and the only reason he didn't was cause he had his kids over.

albinasamara wrote:

Well i've been talking to him back and forth at work and through myspace and it's really just lighthearted stuff so far. But I didn't talk to him at all today...I'm not really having a good mental day anyway. I did ask him on Saturday if he was going to the live band and the only reason he didn't was cause he had his kids over.

I think your best bet it just what your doing now. I would keep saying whats up. Do you guys have a lot in common other than work? Perhaps if you guys keep chatting you two will get to know each other more.

Yeah we do have a lot in common...interests, music, movies, sense of humor, religious beliefs, etc. He can really make me laugh. But as with many guys he's so reserved, but also we are mostly interacting at
Work at this point so I don't think I should expect much more.

I just wish I could read men's minds, you know? I hate this uncertainty. I also wish I could learn to not doubt myself so much.

I think you should find someone else, this guy sounds like a jerkoff,
The fact that he lied to you and said he wasn't going to make it because of his kids and than shows up with another girl?
I think you are way better off to date someone outside of work and who won't lie.

albinasamara wrote:

Yeah we do have a lot in common...interests, music, movies, sense of humor, religious beliefs, etc. He can really make me laugh. But as with many guys he's so reserved, but also we are mostly interacting at
Work at this point so I don't think I should expect much more.

I just wish I could read men's minds, you know? I hate this uncertainty. I also wish I could learn to not doubt myself so much.

Ahh I see. well, I am sure if he wants to take it out of the work setting he would be more obvious about it, especially if you are sending him messages of interest.

I wouldn't call it "messages of interest" so much as just friendly conversation. I agree and I'm just gonna keep it friendly for now. Thanks for your advice everyone :-)

albinasamara wrote:

I wouldn't call it "messages of interest" so much as just friendly conversation. I agree and I'm just gonna keep it friendly for now. Thanks for your advice everyone :-)

oh ok sorry.

Well I hope it all works out for you

you have nothing to loose.

Well he ended up being let go from work, and he said this job was the only thing keeping him here, so now he's moving back to CA.

I give up.

lol Watch out is right! :-)

Thanks for having me in your thoughts Vampira :-)