Advice?

I'm in a tough situation right now in regards to a friends relationship.

One of my very good friends is in a very terrible, very controlling relationship. A few other friends and I are planning out an intervention soon, so that's not so much of an issue in and of itself (well, it is, but we're working our way through that. Or so we hope.)


So, today I sent out a message on Facebook inviting her and a bunch of other friends to swing by my house anytime over spring break. She automatically assumed that the invitation extended to her boyfriend, when in actuality, it did not.

I cannot, under any circumstances, have him in my house. He makes me uncomfortable, and I've had to deal with too many of his remarks in the past. I refuse to make myself uncomfortable, nor let someone like him come and spew his poisonous talk and attitudes in my home.


Under normal circumstances, I'd put my foot down and tell her flat up that he cannot come over and that the invitation did not, in fact, extend to him. However, my friend isn't the type of person who would take well to that. She sees any situation where I don't welcome her boyfriend with open arms as something that is terribly mean and rude on my part, and as a direct insult to her.

I really want to see her over break, but I have no idea how to gently and safely tell her that her boyfriend, is in fact, not invited over as well.

This has happened many times in the past with this same girl, and I've never known how to approach it effectively.

Any advice?

^^ I like Nsane's idea of making it a girls'-night, no-boys-allowed thing. And, as Nsane suggests, if there are guys in the intervention, have the intervention before break or the first day of break. If she's got a respectable parent in her life, or another respectable relative, involve that person too. Especially if that person is male -- it might drive the point home to hear a loving male tell her, "you need to stop dealing with this sh!t."

Good luck, DD.

I agree with the above. If you are inviting guys as well I would just tell her you don't want her bf coming because it is a people from school only affair and he doesn't count. On the other hand you could just be frank with her and tell her that he makes you uncomfortable and you don't want him there. If she is any sort of real friend she should understand. You can always use the, "if I knew someone you were uncomfortable with how would you like it if I had them coming to your home" mind trick.

At one point I was in the position she was in. All of my friends hated my ex and he was abusive to me in many ways. I didn't want to see it because I thought what I had was love. It is a tricky harsh cycle to clense the person from. Sometimes turning situations around on that person with tough love is the best solution.

nsanelilmunky wrote:

If you only invited girls over, say that it was more of a girls-night-out kinda' thing? I really have no idea. Maybe you should have your little intervention before spring break?

That is exactly what I was thinking. and yes interventions are best before breaks.

as far a the intervention goes...I have learned that when you care about a friend you have to tell them the truth. If they get mad they will get over it and realize why the truth was told. I have been in a similar position as you. I dont like people being mad at me, but whatever if it has to be done...so be it.

Sadly the reality of the situation is your friend has a boyfriend you dislike and that probably wont change for a while sadly in friendships you some times need to just deal with it. I mean really what happens if your friend ends up spending a life time with this person? Then what will you do? I'm not saying you should risk your own comfort zone but I do feel that in this situation if you voice your feelings which you should just be prepared for the possiblity it might strain your relationship with your friend and maybe even alieniate them but thats a reality you just might have to face.

Thanks for all the advice!

Somehow things *sort of* worked out... she ended up being unable to come over, because she couldn't find anyone to come with her to visit me (her boyfriend was busy, and no one else seemed to be around). I know that it's ridiculous that she couldn't have come alone, but she lives with her parents and they're quite overprotective, and she doesn't have the spine to tell them off.

A few of my friends are planning on getting together before the end of the month to talk to her about the situation otherwise...