Stay Safe: Signs of a Potential Abuser

An article I found on cnn.com listing some red flags that an S.O. might be abusive in the future. These might be obvious, but maybe not to everyone. My father definitely exhibited most of these, if not all.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/03/10/tf.dating.abuser.dont/index.html

Take care, and stay safe.

Thankyou for posting that. I know this isn't goth related, but it is subject related. If any of you have caught any of the news on the mainstream radio stations, there is a big domestic abuse incident going on. Well it's also been in the papers and tabloids as to what happened between Rhianna and Chris Brown. They are both music artists. And I had heard that she is now back with him after having been beaten badly by him. I think that gives especially young girls the wrong message.

Although I believe that people are able somewhat to change, I really feel that once an abuser, more than likely they will always be one. And it's like sitting on a time bomb always afraid of when they could go off next.

Thanks. I kind of think it is goth-related though. Anyone with a style outside the mainstream can wind up treated harmfully/disrespectfully ("she's the weird goth girl; who cares what happens to her") by people who want to feel superior. Then again, it can happen to anyone.

Sorry to talk so much about my parents when this comes up. I haven't really talked about it in 10 years.

The only man who's ever become violent with me was the lead singer in a goth band. Most goth boys are perfectly sweet puppy dogs (yes, you guys ), but no culture or subculture is free from this, though they all should be!

I mentioned on another thread that now a DIFFERENT ex of mine, the one with whom I was still very much enamored in the GBMB days, was just released on bail. He beat his mother, who he had to move back in with after leaving me. He had been psychologically abusive and full of manipulations and threats, and he used me monetarily and sexually, but he never hit me. It's important to remember (as my therapist and my friends have helped me see) that abuse is abuse, even if you don't get hit.

I couldn't see it at the time.

But that's why awareness of these things needs to be raised.

Thanks, RedAngel.

My mom's decade-old boyfriend and father of my half-sister is an unpredictable policeman that threw my mom a framed picture; she kicked him out of the apartment but I'm affraid of him returning. I mean, he always returned but never was violent before.

The world's a scary place. Good thing we're strong.

Emmature wrote:

The world's a scary place. Good thing we're strong.

Definitely. Very thankful to know and support great, compassionate people.

And to the fellas on the forum, and in other parts of our lives, who are not abusive: Thank You for being men of quality.

RedAngel wrote:

And to the fellas on the forum, and in other parts of our lives, who are not abusive: Thank You for being men of quality.

Indeed. A big happy PROPS to the kind and lovely people on this forum and in our lives generally!

cynfullov wrote:

Although I believe that people are able somewhat to change, I really feel that once an abuser, more than likely they will always be one. And it's like sitting on a time bomb always afraid of when they could go off next.

People like that can change.

But they have to be self-motivated and want to do so.

Madelchai wrote:

cynfullov wrote:

Although I believe that people are able somewhat to change, I really feel that once an abuser, more than likely they will always be one. And it's like sitting on a time bomb always afraid of when they could go off next.

People like that can change.

But they have to be self-motivated and want to do so.

I'd like to believe that. I wish I could.

True story.

Not saying it even remotely commonly happens... but it does.

I'm not trying to pry (in fact, the fewer details the better). But I've never even considered that possibility, which is saying a lot considering how many other aspects of human nature I tolerate. I guess I've never been able to think it's possible, b/c that would mean that my father chose to be destructive, and could have stopped but didn't care enough to.

I know there's always a choice, but maybe I gave him an out by assuming he couldn't escape the mental illness I assumed he had. I honestly never thought about it until today.

I am wondering (not asking for an answer, though): How does an abuser know s/he's changed? Does one get to the same rage point, but recognize a new limit that s/he's put in place? How does one know when the bomb's defused -- does one ever know?

I want to believe it's possible, but honestly, it seems as possible to me as growing a foot out of your forehead by sheer will alone.

I'm so ambivalent on this topic. I really hope Madelchai gets back, and that everyone else weighs in, because I don't know... I don't want this topic to be dominated by my own pain- we all have a story.

Sometimes I feel that in my family everyone redirects the pain to someone else. It's like that joke of the man who beats his wife, who in turn beats her son, who beats his sister and she kicks the dog. Is never psychical pain, but psychological can be far more everlasting.

RedAngel wrote:

I'm not trying to pry (in fact, the fewer details the better). But I've never even considered that possibility, which is saying a lot considering how many other aspects of human nature I tolerate. I guess I've never been able to think it's possible, b/c that would mean that my father chose to be destructive, and could have stopped but didn't care enough to.

I know there's always a choice, but maybe I gave him an out by assuming he couldn't escape the mental illness I assumed he had. I honestly never thought about it until today.

I can assure you with a certain degree of certainty that it is possible. Whether your father actually could or not... I can't say. I think it entirely depends on the person, and why they decide to do what they do. Was it just the way they were raised? Was is due to something that happened at some point in their life? Are drugs/alcohol a factor? I think there's a lot of variables on situations that would determine the ease of which a potential change can take place. At a point, I suspect like any repetition, it just becomes a habit... something that is done without even thinking about it. And if you're not thinking about it, there's simply not that even considering whether it's right or wrong, or what it's doing to the other person. It just becomes something that simply... is. With knowing that it happened... but having no real memory of it... if that makes any sense.

RedAngel wrote:

I am wondering (not asking for an answer, though): How does an abuser know s/he's changed? Does one get to the same rage point, but recognize a new limit that s/he's put in place? How does one know when the bomb's defused -- does one ever know?

I want to believe it's possible, but honestly, it seems as possible to me as growing a foot out of your forehead by sheer will alone.

To answer anyways... it's much more than a limiter change. (Especially in the case of a total limiter release... setting the bar higher, as it were, would be useless, anyway.) It's an entire perspective change. It's the realization that what you're doing isn't helping, quite the opposite... that it isn't you... that it is in fact the furthest thing possible from what it is you've ever really wanted all along. You know the "bomb's defused" because you can feel it, because you know it's gone. There's no more irrational anger over... well, everything... no matter how small, or the irrational thinking that something that was done to make you happy wasn't good enough for (x) bullsh*t reason. There's no more inexplicable rage, or habitually dealing with something in that way. Things that make you angry are able to be thought out and rationalized and talked out like it should have been all along. It's not a suppression of that person through some 10 step program or something and there's a posibility of falling off the wagon... it's the complete self-concious decision to completely exorcise that "demon," and know you truly have no desire to ever ever be that way again. Is it possible for one to ever really know for sure? The answer is yes, undoubtedly.

I can't tell you how likely or even possible it is for anyone else to change... I'm just telling you it has happened that I've seen. In all probability, it will take something happening as big to spark the change as it did to cause it in the first place. I really think possibility of it happening is based entirely on a case by case basis.

Emmature wrote:

we all have a story.

Yes. We do.

It's possible that there are abusers who want to change, but believe that change is impossible for them now -- be it through realization of the pain they've caused, or thinking of the abuse as an addiction, or what have you. But they might not believe any of that if they could see an example of someone who's ended the cycle.

The guy at the center of the above true story should consider speaking to guys who are willingly going to anger management programs ("willingly" because if they're forced to go before they want to change the problem, it's a waste). I'm not saying the guy should write a book and be a guest on Dr. Phil, don't get me wrong. But if guys with a history of violence can see that it's possible to change their perspectives, and come out the other end of this, some of them might.

I wonder if he realizes the influence he can have?

Perhaps he may coincidentally have been thinking about just that very thing on the way home from the store earlier. You might even find that this thread and memories have been all consuming over the last few days.

Indeed.

Today there was a little girl (maybe 11 years old) in my checkout line with her mom. The girl picked up a tabloid with Rianna and Chris Brown on the cover. The mother said "honey- promise me you'll never, ever let that happen to you." The girl rolled her eyes. The mom was like "really- it can happen to anyone." The girl rolled her eyes. I said- "yeah, I went back to a guy like that again and again- you never see it coming until it's happening to you. He's in jail now. Wearing 8 layers of eyeshadow to cover up a bruise is awful."

The girl got all wide eyed. She didn't believe me.

The mother got very serious and told the girl to listen.

We all ended that transaction in weird moods. Mine didn't lift for hours.

I know discussion is good, but I'm still sorry to have dredged up a lot of pain.

It's not your fault. It's just the nature of the subject matter. Can't be helped.

I always have to understand everything. Can't blame you for wanting to do the same.

mom's decade-long boyfriend who hit her about a month and she kicked him out of the house send her a poem... I hope mom doesn't go soft because of it and forgive him... again.

Another thing to remember, don't go into the situation because it feels familiar. I've learned from experience, when you were in a house that was abusive, relationships that can go that way seem more appealing because they seem familiar. Don't make the same mistakes your parents made.

^^ That is very true. I see that happen to a lot of people I know. I grew up with abuse happening in my family, and so I know that you don't have to end up like that.

And some people really do change. I know my dad isn't the same person he was when I was little. He's a completely better person. You have to want it enough to change.

Oh, Max. (Prays for your mom)