The funny pages

Subject: Re: The funny pages Sat Sep 12, 2009 8:04 pm

It makes me think of suicidal granny.

Subject: Re: The funny pages Sun Sep 13, 2009 2:03 am

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a b!tch on the phone! I'm lost and A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a b!tch on the phone! I'm lost and I need directions!"

Subject: Re: The funny pages Sun Sep 13, 2009 10:03 pm

A Catholic priest, an Orthodox priest, a Protestant minister, a Reform rabbi, a Buddhist monk, a Wiccan coven leader, a Hellenist oracle, a Hindu priest, a Caodaist giáo tông, a Zoroastrian gabr, an African shaman, a Muslim imam, a Scientologist OT VII, a Cherokee chief, a Sikh guru, a Jain jina, a Falun Gong practitioner, a Sufi mystic, a Shinto kami, a Jedi knight, a Voodoo zombie, a Rasta ras, an Objectivist philosopher, a Mormon elder, a Level 18 cleric, a Pastafarian pirate, and an atheist are playing golf.

These clergymen are getting bogies and double bogies and triple bogies, but the guy playing in front of them keeps getting holes in one.

So the Catholic priest says, “Who does that guy think he is, the Pope?” And the Orthodox priest says, “Who does that guy think he is, the Patriarch of Constantinople?” And the minister says, “Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?” And the rabbi says, “Who does that guy think he is, Moses?” And the monk says, “Who does that guy think he is, the Buddha?” And the coven leader says, “Who does that guy think he is, Harry Potter?” And the oracle says, “Who does that guy think he is, Achilles?” And the Hindu priest says, “Who does that guy think he is, Vishnu?” And the giáo tông says, “Who does that guy think he is, Cao Đài Tiên Ông Đại Bồ Tát Ma-ha-tát?” And the gabr says, “Who does that guy think he is, Zoroaster?” And the shaman says, “Who does that guy think he is, Tikoloshe?” And the imam says, “Who does that guy think he is, Mohammed?” And the OT VII says, “Who does that guy think he is, David Miscavige?” And the chief says, “Who does that guy think he is, Great Spirit?” And the guru says, “Who does that guy think he is, Nanak Dev?” And the jina says, “Who does that guy think he is, Shri Mahavir?” And the Gonger says, “Who does that guy think he is, Li Hongzhi?” And the mystic says, “Who does that guy think he is, Uwais al-Qarni?” And the kami says, “Who does that guy think he is, Amaterasu-omikami”? And the Jedi says, “Who does that guy think he is, the chosen one?” And the zombie says, “Who does that guy think he is, Marie Laveau?” And the ras says, “Who does that guy think he is, Haile Selassie?” And the Objectivist says, “Who does that guy think he is, Howard Roark?” And the elder says, “Who does that guy think he is, Brigham Young?” And the cleric says, “Who does that guy think he is, Garl Glittergold?” And the pirate says, “Who does that guy think he is, the Flying Spaghetti Monster?”

So the atheist says, “No, that’s Tiger Woods.”

Guest

The Muffin Tree

Subject: Re: The funny pages Sun Sep 20, 2009 12:15 am

crabs

Subject: Re: The funny pages Sun Sep 20, 2009 12:23 am

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, the politician was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own
few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled."

The shocked crowd murmered their disapproval of the miscreant among them.

"But," the old priest continued, "as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," he told the crowd, still at sharp attention after the priest's words. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession...."

Guest

Bring your own

Subject: Re: The funny pages Mon Sep 28, 2009 2:48 am

Subject: Re: The funny pages Mon Sep 28, 2009 6:28 pm

Two friends went camping in the mountains and had spent four days together, but they were beginning to annoy one another.

On the fifth morning, the first friend said, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today? I think the separation could help. I'll hike north and spend the day exploring, you hike south and spend the day exploring. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire!"

The second friend readily agreed and hiked off to the south after breakfast. The first man hiked north.

That night over dinner beside the campfire, the first man related his story.

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat in the afternoon sun to dry, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend replied, "Pretty good. I went south and discovered some old railroad tracks. I followed them a ways until I quite unexpectedly came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks! So, of course, I immediately cut her ropes off, gently lifted her from the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I returned to camp."

"Wow!!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," said the second friend dejectedly over his meal, "I couldn't find her head!"

Subject: Re: The funny pages Mon Sep 28, 2009 10:04 pm

Bwahahaha.

Subject: Re: The funny pages Mon Sep 28, 2009 11:59 pm

It is so wrong yet so entertaining.

Subject: Re: The funny pages Tue Sep 29, 2009 8:32 pm

This was in my Renaissance magazine this month:
The funny pages - Page 22 Spanishgoth

Sorry for the glare. I don't have a scanner.

Guest

Defaced Bills

Guest

Lips that touch alcohol

Guest

Video Mate Dating Challenge

Subject: Re: The funny pages Tue Oct 13, 2009 11:37 pm

nsanelilmunky wrote:: Defaced Bills

Those are so awesome! headbang

Subject: Re: The funny pages Wed Oct 14, 2009 1:11 am

Ginger_Snaps wrote:: This was in my Renaissance magazine this month:

Sorry for the glare. I don't have a scanner.

Ha! I love it!!! Laughing

Subject: Re: The funny pages Wed Oct 14, 2009 7:22 pm

Monty Python's Oscar Wilde Sketch
This is so funny... Laughing

Subject: Re: The funny pages Wed Oct 21, 2009 12:36 am

A young boy and his mother are on a Southwest plane. The boy is looking out the window. He says to his mother: "Mom, if big doggies have little doggies, and big kitties have little kitties, why don't big planes have little planes?" The flight attendant is hurrying by just at that time and overhears the question.

The mother doesn't know what to tell the boy, so she says: "Why don't you go ask the flight attendant". The little boy finds the flight attendant at the back of the plane, and she's quite busy. The little boy asks the question - the flight attendant very nicely says: "There are no little planes because Southwest always pulls out on time; go ask your mother to explain that to you..."

Guest

Subject: Re: The funny pages Mon Oct 26, 2009 10:35 pm

I'm putting this here b/c I can't find the "Weird Things I Found Online" thread, and because these had me laughing like crazy when I saw them:

Freudian Slippers

Subject: Re: The funny pages Thu Nov 05, 2009 9:06 pm

Funny, and informative:

http://obama-weather.com/

Subject: Re: The funny pages Thu Nov 05, 2009 9:20 pm

Bloody Mary

Subject: Re: The funny pages Fri Nov 06, 2009 8:10 pm

A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat.
He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before-it was fantastic.
Are you a doctor?"
"Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I am a Divorce Lawyer."

Subject: Re: The funny pages Mon Nov 09, 2009 1:06 pm

really drunk guy tries to buy beer

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKeooubslwk

LOL

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