The funny pages

Maxmordon wrote:

Please see http://employees.cfmc.com/adamb/humor/56bc.htm, an essay called "56BC and All That," by R. Lederer. It is a melding of real essays written by students in high school and undergraduate studies.


Excerpts from it:


The American Revolution:
The English put tacks in the tea. The colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The colonists won the War and no longer had to pay taxis.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin invented electricity by rubbing 2 cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Lincoln: Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from DC to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.

Beethoven / Bach:
Beethoven took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Bach practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic, and died from 1750 to the present.

Shakespeare:
Shakespeare was born in 1564, supposedly on his birthday.

Holy hell,I can see there are alot of gaps in the educational system today.

Maxmordon wrote:

Please see http://employees.cfmc.com/adamb/humor/56bc.htm, an essay called "56BC and All That," by R. Lederer. It is a melding of real essays written by students in high school and undergraduate studies.


Excerpts from it:


The American Revolution:
The English put tacks in the tea. The colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The colonists won the War and no longer had to pay taxis.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin invented electricity by rubbing 2 cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Lincoln: Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from DC to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.

Beethoven / Bach:
Beethoven took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Bach practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic, and died from 1750 to the present.

Shakespeare:
Shakespeare was born in 1564, supposedly on his birthday.

So Lincoln's mother died in infancy eh??

hahahah

Lincoln a god?

Just noticed the link didn't worked:

It is truly astounding what havoc students can wreak upon the chronicles of the human race. I have pasted together the following history of the world from genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the Unites States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot. -RL
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. Early Egyptian women often wore a garment called a calasiris. It was a sheer dress which started beneath the breasts which hung to the floor.

The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his 12 sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

Later came Job, who had one trouble after another. Eventually, he lost all his cattle and all his children and had to go live alone with his wife in the desert.

The Greeks were a highly scuptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.

Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus." Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Rome came to have too many iuxuries and baths. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. They took two baths in two days, and that's the cause of the fall of Rome. Rome was invaded by ballbearings, and is full of fallen arches today.

Then came the Middle Ages, when everyone was middle aged. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery with brave knights on prancing horses and beautiful women. King Harolded mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. And victims of the bluebonnet plague grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. During this time, people put on morality plays about ghosts, goblins, virgins, and other mythical creatures. Another story was about William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.

The government of England was a limited mockery. From the womb of Henry VIII Protestantism was born. He found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her army went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.


The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were named the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Rever was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benedict Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. His farewell address was Mount Vernon.

Soon the Constitution of the United States was adapted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest President. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Lincoln said, "In onion there is strength."

Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also free the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the englightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He look long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napolean. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.


The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stoped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote The Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignationof the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours
passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when
totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos
(MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh sh!t.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted.

^^^^^^^^^

Lmao!!! That's priceless! My mind was wandering until they cleared that up

> The Rabbit...
>
> A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the
> middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the
> rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
>
> The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets
> out to see what has become of the rabbit.
>
> Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he
> begins to cry.
>
> A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the
> side of the road and pulls over.
>
> She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong.
>
> 'I feel terrible,' he explains, 'I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed
> it.'
>
> The blonde says, 'Don't worry.' She runs to her car and pulls out a spray
> can.
>
> She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the
> contents onto the rabbit.
>
> The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the
> road.
>
> Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down
> the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and
> waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of
> sight.
>
> The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, 'What is in
> that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?'
>
> The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
> It says..
>
>
> (Are you ready for this?)
>
>
>
>
> It says,
>
>
>
> 'Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.'

Corny, but funny none the less.

Oh, biology jokes! Awesome, Endless!

That gave me a little giggle.

One day God called Adam to him and said: "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
"The good news," replied Adam.
"Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain."
"OK.." said Adam warily. "And what's the bad news?"
"I only gave you enough blood to operate one at time."




There was a young man named Sweeney
Who spilled some gin on his weenie.
He thought this uncouth,
So he added vermouth,
And slipped his girl a martini.

Whats red and shaped like a bucket?

((Think about it before opening the spoiler))

Spoiler:

The Smartass Guide to Vampire Personals

And part two...

The Smartass Guide to Vampire Personals Redux

I got a good laugh, maybe you will too

http://askaninja.com/

All you wanted to know about ninjas and was affraid to ask.

ArrogantLoki wrote:

The Smartass Guide to Vampire Personals

And part two...

The Smartass Guide to Vampire Personals Redux

I got a good laugh, maybe you will too

Some of those were oh so very true!

Quote :

"I am a female. I am vampir/sorceress/wolf mix. My father was a vampire, and my mother a wolf/sorceress. It's hard to explain. I'm looking for others of my kind, male/female and age doesn't matter. Doesn't matter where but Alabama vampires are what I'm really looking for."

Dude, doesn't that equal death--like an acid and a base?

They ruined me flan forever:

http://www.lulu.com/browse/preview.php?fCID=4956212