My Random Nonsense

OK, so being that this place is filled with gals, perhaps I'll get some decent advice from the other gender.

So, last year was a crappy one for me, and after I broke up with the Ex, I had spent time with one other girl. She's not really someone who I'd hang out with that much, but she and I were both cool with hooking up if we were at the same place/time and interested in some fun. No strings though, which I needed.

I'm in no way looking for a significant other, I don't feel comfortable having someone being important enough to me to effect my life, and I don't want that power over someone else either. I don't want to be able to make someone sad or angry right now, because I'm not comfortable with myself right now, so I'm fully aware my chaotic moods would be unsuitable for anyone to be to close to me. That's not me saying I'm mean to girls, or do anything unfavorable, because I feel I'm a pretty swell guy to people around me. I'm just simply not in a relationship-quality state-of-mind, and my work/school/nightlife just wouldn't allow it to fit it adequately in my current routines.

So there are a few girls who are interested in me; some have made it pretty apparent, one was blunt about it, and two others have been hinting. Which flatters me, and I am sincerely thankful for the attention, but when some of these girls start complimenting me or talking about relationships I shy away. Part of this is how bad my self-esteem is, because when people disagree with my self-loathing and tell me how "great" I am, I want to argue against their dopey opinion. The other is of course the reasons I stated above, about knowing I'm not qualified for BF duties now.

This hasn't hampered my sex-life though, actually its' been flourishing.

I'm of the sound mind that when I date someone, however many partners they've had before me and what they've done with them, isn't important. And to be honest, when 2008 came to a close, my partner number sat at a even 10. I think a fair number for a 27 year old, who's lead the life I have, with five of those being serious relationships.

I'm at 14 now.

Since the ringing in of 2009, I'm been with four girls, the 2nd & 3rd were at the same time. Now only one of these four girls was the group who have been interested in me, the others were one-night-stands. Something I do not do, or rather, did not do. I've tried my very best to make it clear that I'm not looking for a relationship or to have any hard feelings, just casual intimacy. All other parties seemed happy with that, and fun was had, though I think the one caught some feelings. I'm never disrespectful, never pushy, just interested in some drinks and few hours of fun.

I've found that since this little adventure began that I'm getting looks and numbers all over the place, girls telling me their breaking up with their boyfriend's soon and want to "hang out sometime". Girls getting tipsy and telling me that they'd like to hook up, but not to tell anyone because they have a friend that likes me already. Girls I've known for a while, getting a little more touchy and physical then ever before, some are the ex's of my friends (which is a road I'm not trying to walk down anymore).

I mean has word gotten out? Does this happen girls? Am I releasing some new pheromone or have I become marked as some "good time guy" that you should talk to when feeling frisky?

I hate long personal declarations online, and I really am not being ostentatious or a trying to be braggart with writing this, but any female insight would be helpful. Because I think the girls around me save a few have biased opinions right now, because asking them; "so why so interested in me right now", usually brings out a shy look-away and giggle and then a kiss or a number. Some I've slept with I didn't know well enough to pry, or those I haven't been with but have been talking to me just give me that list of compliments I disagree with. A pair of coworkers seemed pretty insightful last night though, saying I'm looking for love, but not wanting to feel loved. Maybe that holds water.

Thoughts?

Vampira's made some good points with the issue of honesty (I know you've been doing that; just stick with it) and the soul-searching, just taking a little time to know who you are and appreciate what's good in you while also changing what you don't like. You might need some seclusion to make that happen, but you can do it; it's a process, so just be gentle with yourself. Hey, you might not always wake up with company, but you always wake up with you -- so be sure you respect who you are.

And yeah, it *is* irritating/gratifying to suddenly have people interested in you when you're really not looking for anything big. Seems like there are more head games played when people say they won't get in too deep than when they're in it for the long haul... Bear in mind that there are great girls and sh!tty girls; same with guys I guess. It sounds like there are some girls in your circle who are content to treat you like something disposable, and that's *not* OK, whether you want something serious or not. (Jeez, I finally get the "head games" that some guys complain about.)

Your co-workers have made a good point too: you do want love (that's natural; don't kick yourself for that) but you don't want to feel loved (until you're more comfortable with yourself). Take some time for introspection. Respect who you are, even if your personality is in transition. And women who are worth your time (i.e. not ones that let you sit around with a broken nose... I still can't get over that) will be OK with what you're looking for, be it serious or not so. These women will probably have done some reflection of their own. I swear they're out there.

I'm writing from my own experience here. Back in '03, my husband (bf at the time) and I went through a really rough time. I considered breaking it off. I found myself thinking about someone else, I felt tremendously guilty about it, I got self-destructive... and then I found that I can't run from myself or my feelings. I had to talk to my Fella about what I needed in order to feel loved, and I had to work on the bad habits that held me back. I had to learn respect for myself. And it changed me permanently, in terms of confidence, happiness, and knowing what I need in order to be more loving as well as more content.

Turning 30 helped too; sometimes I jokingly tell myself, "I'm too old to accept [insert trivial b.s. situation here]."

I'm sorry this has been such a novel. I hope it helped, Spooky. Hang in there.

Oh hey: try some stream-of-consciousness writing, too. Ask yourself some questions on paper, write down your answers without censoring yourself, then read what you wrote. Then tear it up; it's no one else's business. Might provide more insight.

Two so far, thanks Red, thanks Vampira.

This seems like a subject most aren't looking to touch.

I guess I've always had issues with liking myself, but that's been a lifelong issue, which has been magnified greatly over the last two years. There have been times when my self loathing was crippling, I was unable to even function as a person. Yeah, issues, but my art and writing does help me a lot.

I guess a lot of times I don't let myself slow down enough to think about anything excessively personal or introspective. Work, school and my social circles get pretty busy week in and week out. But I don't think it's shallowness; maybe a vague disliking of myself is easier then finding a few specifics though. I just deal with it through my creativity and wait for it to get bad next time around.

You know I don't think there's anything really wrong with experimenting.Sometimes people just aren't for whatever reason in a "headspace" for anything serious.
(I was trying to find a way to say that without saying everyone should just do whatever the hell they want to and damn the consequences.)
Having said that I agree with RedAngel,turning 30 really helps,it's a good age.By that point most women and men are done with the games and the bullsh!t and aren't afraid to say how they really feel.
I'm afraid I can't be too much help to you on the self esteem thing,I don't like myself too much either.

Have you ever read up any on Casanova?

... oh that so isn't meant as a bad thing there.

I have to go, but I will try to get back here for sure!

Spooky wrote:

Two so far, thanks Red, thanks Vampira.

This seems like a subject most aren't looking to touch.

I guess I've always had issues with liking myself, but that's been a lifelong issue, which has been magnified greatly over the last two years. There have been times when my self loathing was crippling, I was unable to even function as a person. Yeah, issues, but my art and writing does help me a lot.

I guess a lot of times I don't let myself slow down enough to think about anything excessively personal or introspective. Work, school and my social circles get pretty busy week in and week out. But I don't think it's shallowness; maybe a vague disliking of myself is easier then finding a few specifics though. I just deal with it through my creativity and wait for it to get bad next time around.

I think the answers will come to you, but it will be gradual. That said, if you need to bounce ideas off us, you know where to find us.

Stick with the art & writing. Got anything in the Absinthe Lounge or on deviantart?

Spooky wrote:

I mean has word gotten out? Does this happen girls? Am I releasing some new pheromone or have I become marked as some "good time guy" that you should talk to when feeling frisky?

1. YES! (From what you've said.) 2. OH YES! 3.Sniff Sniff um ? pheromones don't come across the computer smell wise at least. 4. ... Well it appears you have now entered the Casanova Zone! or fallen prey to it. All depends on how you look at it.

Some women just love the idea of the "Casanova" persona. Being worth his much coveted time and affection. Regardless if you aren't the one that he ends up with. Not every man has the heart to hold the title though. Those are the guys that get repeated call backs. And "referals." The guys that just really love women.


Most of the women I know that "pass around" such info don't refer to such men as "good time guys." I think there's a lot more to it than just being a booty call in regards to you. I wouldn't take it as a put down. Darn your charismatic personality huh!

Cynfulluv
Well, I wasn't serious with the "good times" comment, unless I was going to start calling the girls around me flappers and a scoot over to a speakeasy tonight. "Casanova Zone" sounds like a really damn good way of describing it, well done. I don't get the feeling that any of the girls are using me solely as a booty call, but maybe the thought of not having that much to think about is intriguing. Maybe that's why its' sort of good for me as well.

RedAngel,
I had put some of my writing up on the GB, but nothing as of yet in the Absinthe Lounge, maybe I'll put some whatnot up today. I did put it on hold when I decided to go back to school fulltime; but I am writing a story and in the works of having a book of poetry/short stories with some illustrations to be printed and published hopefully by the Autumn.

Well you must be doing something right Spooky

Vampira132 wrote:

Whats wrong with saying to girls "I dont have time for this right now, is it ok to be friends?". Maybe you should stop with the fun and try to figure out what type of person you are, then the girls will stop wanting to be with you and you can finally rest while having a good time with your mates.

I dont agree with one night stands or this no strings attached bullsh*t but hey thats me, traditional girl.

I agree, and casual flings/one night stands are not going to help with the self esteem, its just going to get worse.

I figure I'll just post it in here, being that this thread is mine to begin with.

So, my sex-apades have toned down with school and work being busy, and me wanting to break away from a lot of all the kooky stuff for a while. However, I have had my fun and went out with my friends and met some nice people, but I'm moving at a more respectable pace now.

There is though a girl that I am quite smitten with, she's stunning, and I like her so much more because I find her attitude and personality so appealing. She and her twin work at a club and a bar which I frequent, am friends with most of the people who work at these establishments and the regulars who come to drink and dance there. She and I, we'll call her N, never really get to hang out though, I only see her when she's working. Our relationship has been very nice, and a few months ago she and I seemed to be really flirting with each other, even her sister whispered to me that she didn't want to interrupt the conversation we were having.

Three weeks ago though, the twins came out to a club that a big group of my friends and co-workers were going out to. There was a drag-queen contest, jello wrestling, all kinds of fun to be had. We left the club, and I showed them how to get to the Turnpike to get home, and followed them back to their place to make sure they got home safe. I walked them to their door, and planned on leaving when I was invited in. We three ended up drinking wine glasses filled with Bacardi and talking and listening to music all night. N's sister fell asleep and it was just she and I then, and we somehow got on one of those conversations that goes places quick.

She started putting herself down a little, and I stopped her and told her not to do that, then she apologized, and I said; "you say I'm sorry too much to". She laughed because I stopped her from apologizing for apologizing too much, and the I just told her; "I think you're gorgeous, and I'm not just saying that because I'm trying to get anything out of this". She said; "no one talks to her like that". I replied with; "well I do, and lots of guys hit on you or compliment you", and she said, "but it's different when you do. I think I'm going to need some more courage to have this conversation".

She came back with some filled glasses for us, we both took a sip, then she put her glass down and kissed me. We kissed for a while, got a bit heavy, and both half-dressed she laid down and started pulling me down with her. But she started to pass out, being that it was 5am and we were both quite drunk. So I carried her into her room and tucked her, because I'm not going to take advantage of any girl, especially one who I have such strong feelings for. I laid down next to her and slept about an hour-and-a-half, then had to leave because I had class. I whispered that I had to go, and she sat up a little, kissed me and said; "thanks for everything, love you". Felt a little like when you leave that special someone in the morning, sans the fact I was going to school in the same outfit I was partying in the night before.

Next time I saw her was at her job, and we were friendly and fine, so no awkwardness. I spoke to her friend and co-worker, who's the mama of the bar. Her advice was that she wouldn't have made a move, drunk or not, if she didn't want to. N is sort of seeing a guy in a popular scene band, which is what the twins do, but the bar mama says she knows we'd be great together. Her advice; be maple-syrup, move slow and be sweet.

So, I'm going to take things wacky slow, probably a few months of groups of friends all hanging out to not make it seem just the two of us on a date. No more going back home with her, no need to rush it if I feel it could be far more serious then a romp. I could be that for her, if she's not interested in a relationship and just wants us to have fun. But I won't move into that area until I'm sure, because I think I'd like this to be serious.

Damn the heart and it's feelings.

Sounds like good things are developing here. My thoughts: just don't pull back so far that she thinks you regretted that night. You know how it can be; sometimes women (or anyone) can overthink a situation and get confused. If you sense that from her, don't be afraid to let her know that you think a lot of her but you don't want to crowd her.

Great to hear you've found someone who knocks your socks off!

RedAngel wrote:

Sounds like good things are developing here. My thoughts: just don't pull back so far that she thinks you regretted that night. You know how it can be; sometimes women (or anyone) can overthink a situation and get confused. If you sense that from her, don't be afraid to let her know that you think a lot of her but you don't want to crowd her.

Great to hear you've found someone who knocks your socks off!

I did think about that, I saw her actually last Saturday, my friend came down from Boston and wanted to go to the club she and her sister work at. I had a group of people I know that were heading up there either way, so we all met there. She hooked us up with some shots and talked a little, she actually stayed around me a decent amount of time talking. But she grabbed my arm so I couldn't leave when the night was done and gave me a kiss on the cheek before I left, nothing too beyond her usual nature really. Though I don't want to read too much into anything, I feel like those little things she says or does around me, are little signs of affection that mean a little more.

I have to not crowd, but not be too far, move slow, damn it feels like I'm in a driving class. I just don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, been a part of that too much, I'll get over any hardships. I do really like this girl, so I'm going to do whatever I can to see if something good could happen.

Spooky wrote:

She and her twin

I like where this is going.

Madelchai wrote:

Spooky wrote:

She and her twin

I like where this is going.

Seconded.

OK, figured I'll just continue to add whatever silly relationship and love interests of mine in here. As a brief side note, I've realized that I really like you guys and gals here, because I detest things like blogs, MySpace, Facebook and these ostentatious areas of the net. Yet I'm open about things here, probably because it feels like such a tiny little corner, far more personal then these massive social networking sites that deteriorate into stereotypes and immaturity.


OK,
I went out to dinner with a girl, who's extremely nice, pretty and smart. She's a 24 year old High School U.S. History Teacher, and I think we hit it off a little. She's not a 'throw your clothes off and jump my bones' kind of girl, nor is she like my beloved twin...who I've basically realized it's her move now, I can only do so much. This new girl is just really likable, and I appreciated the first time I met her was with mutual friends at a bar, and all we did was have a drink or two and talk. She said she was expecting by the description of 'artist', for me to be a "douchebag college coffee shop guy", but instead she described me as a "interesting rockstar looking guy". I have no reservations, but I think I'd like to get to know this girl a bit better.


After our dinner, she went home and I went out to a little party I was invited too. I was approached by two girls and a guy there, and they asked me if I had ever given any thought to adult entertainment. They told me they had seen some of my performances at fetish shows, and had talked to some girls who knew me at various clubs and bars. They were seriously asking me if I'd like to audition for a pornographic film they were casting. I was introduced to one of the 'leading ladies' I'd be working with (if I were to say yes), given business cards and a portion of the script.

I'm not going to do it, but we talked for a while, and I was really flattered. Plus the 'actress' who was there, was fairly determined to try and convince me to take part in the film. But I figured I had already had a nice dinner with nice girl, so I had no urge to have my dessert elsewhere.

So I actually went home, alone, and didn't mind it at all.

wa' Thanks for the compliment Spooky! I'm pretty sure we all like you too!
Your a part of us. One of the first few posts I read, when I registered on GB was one of yours. What you said in that post touched me deeply. You have great compassion and concern for people.



* pretty sure as in I know your thought of very fondly.

Spooky, you seem to be in the same state i am now. You blossomed into sexual maturity while in a long term relationship. Now the chains have been loosed and you are cast out into a crowd of people. any witch will tell you that the release of pent-up energy is a powerful thing.

I suddenly have my poor self esteem tempered by boys falling all over me. My current fling, Dorian (i haven't before pointed out that i hide his name is a protective lie- he has a 'portrait of dorian gray" on his arm, which is aging nicely) is temporary. Never before have i had a one night stand, but that's how i've been behaving lately. I'm the girl who comes on to you drunk in a club. We all have our own problems; our own motives.

love and youth are cruel;
the quarter-life crisis is cruel.

Girls like me and boys like you, who have felt that, are cruel too. The desire NOT to be in a relationship can hurt another and oneself as much as a relationship ever could.

I have no solution. I have no advice. Because i have the same problem. All i can suggest s that you enjoy the plane crash as it goes down and call me for a good time.

nsanelilmunky wrote:

cynfullov wrote:

Your a part of us.

One of us.... One of us...... One of us.... One of us.....

Sorry, couldn't help myself!

^^ Awesome movie! First time I saw it was in my first gender studies class. I majored in art and minored in gender studies. That's actually a cheesy but apt segue...

Spooky: Much like majoring and minoring -- that need to focus on disparate subjects that are important to you -- I think there are a lot of sides to an individual. Your post about those 2 very different experiences seems to exemplify two aspects that are meaningful to you: a) a relationship that works on an intellectual level as well as a physical one, and b) the desire to explore/bend your limits as a sexual being. I guess ideally, you'll meet someone who is a good match for you intelligence-wise, who's also confident enough to be open to experimentation.

I'm just thinking out loud. Anyway, I'm glad you feel comfortable posting here. I enjoy talking with you.

Emma: It sounds like it feels weird for you to do the dating-without-commitment thing right now, but it also sounds like it's what you need. The reasons will no doubt become evident to you in due time. I'm psyched that it's helping you see yourself in a better light.

Aw, shucks Red! Yeah i am finding myself right now. It's hard and it's scary and it's strange, but i'm also having the time of my life! Thanks for not judging...

Emmature wrote:

Aw, shucks Red! Yeah i am finding myself right now. It's hard and it's scary and it's strange, but i'm also having the time of my life! Thanks for not judging...

I can't judge. I've felt romantically conflicted in the past ('03-'04 sucked), I've hated myself, and with time I figured, Well, I'm still stuck with me -- I can't get disgusted and walk away. So I forgave myself my confusion, picked up and rebuilt. Things are better now.

Very exciting conversations came from this, I'm thrilled.

Thanks Cynfull, I'm just quite fond of you all.

I also think Emma and I just had a moment there while I read her post, even if Texas is so far away. Yet the next time I'm down there we're drinking, no funny stuff though, unless you start biting and then it's on.

Seriously though, Red touched on my delicate balancing act of conduct and attitude. I'm finally starting to have a bit of a better relationship with myself, and I think that's really helping my relationships with others. Wish I could mend all the wounds I gave and received that involved the people in my past, but wishing you could change the past doesn't get anything done. We spend so much time worrying about the future and trying the forget the past, that we miss the present as it's happening around us, rather then to us. I tried to move away from that mentality years ago, human nature pulls every now and then, but the now is always more enjoyable when your pay attention to it.